An appropriate 1,000th entry, I think: accepting the past and moving forward, acknowledging strength, growth and change.
I had my first official Project Liberty
appointment this morning. Still weird to see 'FEMA' listed as my insurance. It always makes me think of the X-Files movie.
It went very well. I'm not sure how much I want to talk about it, but I do want to say that this is absolutely the right thing for me to be doing for myself right now.
We talked some about my past and my early disillusionment with the concepts of personal safety and protective authority figures, and about how that probably influenced how I have dealt with all this and why it's been so hard for me to come to a point where I can believe I'm safe enough to process
my experiences instead of just retelling
them, and put it behind me. And to really accept that I'm the only person this frustrated with me for not being "over it" yet.
She is intuitive without being patronizing. She accepts that I have insight into my own nature and doesn't fight me on the things I've learned about myself, yet makes connections where I might not have noticed them.
I normally would have bristled at the questions about my history, feeling they're not relevant: 'I'm here to talk about that day and what's happened since. The rest isn't important!' But because her perspective was more one of wanting to know what's happened in my life so that she knows what experiences and triggers and coping mechanisms I brought with me to that day, not just a "so, tell me about your mother" attitude, I found it easier to open up to her and to trust her motivation in asking the questions to be genuine.
I'm encouraged. I think this will be productive. I think it's what I need.