5am

Oct. 9th, 2012 05:06 am
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)

It's 5am here. I woke up because I heard something like a bottle toppling over and thought it might be from the kitchen, but both cats are accounted for and still asleep, so maybe it was from outside. Something (non-feline, probably a bug) just bit me on the shoulder.

It's 8am on the east coast. This is exactly the sort of can't-get-back-to-sleep morning where I'd call my mom. The instinct to do so is still really strong and it hits at odd hours like this. That "I haven't talked to her in ages, need to call" impulse. I wonder if it'll ever fade.

lapis_lazuli022: (qow - purrr)
Having really good exciting news is the BEST.

Having really good exciting news and not being sure if you're allowed to talk about it yet is slightly less than the best. Still, really good plus a little anxiety is still really good.

The hardest thing about working in publishing is the waiting. Either I've got to sit on my own good news and keep it secret, or I've got to sit on someone else's good news, or I've got to send something off to someone and sit on my hands for a few months in hopes that I'll get good news that I can sit on my hands and not tell anyone about.

I have finished my edits on something really cool, and I've sent it off so that the author can answer all my nitpicky queries about it. I've asked when I'll be able to talk about it and I haven't been answered. Since I still can't quite believe that it's real, I think I'll wait till I get the paycheck.

And I've just learned that something else I worked on is going to be reviewed somewhere cool. I'll be able to talk about that one at the end of March when the review goes live.

March is going to be interesting. I'm traveling 17 days out of the month, on three different trips, and none of that travel is for work. All of it is for connecting with people who are important to me. I spend so much of my time focused on building my career -- I'm looking forward to taking a bit of time to celebrate how far I've come and how much potential the future holds...and to putting that same energy into nurturing other parts of me, for a change. That's something I need to do more often.

A year ago, I gave up caffeine in significant measure, but I'm pretty sure there was caffeine in my decaf tonight. There was also adrenaline in my adrenaline. Now my brain is full and won't stop churning, and I can't get myself even remotely tired.

beginnings

Jan. 1st, 2011 10:25 am
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
Last New Year, in his pensive turn-of-the-year post, [livejournal.com profile] hbergeronx wrote, "And this year's shaping up to be the unbearably difficult year that last year was looking like it was going to be."

And he read the signs correctly, it turns out, and it was.

Though not in the ways we could have predicted.

But now that year is over. The best we can ever do is to let what we've lost live always in our hearts, appreciate what we have kept and what we have gained, and begin again as we mean to go on.

travel

Nov. 30th, 2010 11:22 pm
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
Air travel this past weekend was surprisingly painless. We got to the airport three hours early for our departure, only to discover that the check-in counter and the security line weren't open yet. So, the joke was on us, but at least we were in the front of the queue. I've been at the same airport on days when I was three hours early and still barely made it onto my flight.

I got picked for the scanner line, but they weren't patting or scanning everyone who went through. It was like it always has been -- most people go straight through the metal detector and aren't bothered unless they beep, a few people are 'randomly' singled out. I seem to get singled out a lot. I used to think I was suspicious-looking because I was a woman traveling alone a lot of the time, but I got sent through the scanner this time even though I was obviously with a partner. I don't know, maybe I'm just suspicious-looking. They do say that it's the quiet ones you've got to watch...

I got scanned, Matt didn't beep, and we went on our way. Flying back yesterday, the airport was quiet and neither of us got a second glance. We walked through the metal detector and were waved on, as always.

The trip itself was really nice. I got lots of quality time with my dad, I got to hang out with my brother and meet his girlfriend, and I got to meet Matt's new niece. I guess I'm an aunt now, which is strange. When you're an only child till you're 14, you think of yourself as an only child, and it wasn't until Matt's whole family were calling us aunt and uncle that it really clicked that she's effectively my niece as well as his. I mean, obviously, but it was the first time I'd ever been "Aunt Lapis." I kind of liked the way it sounded.

Going back to the area where I lived my formative years definitely feels like coming home. That's a little strange, too. But, again, I kind of liked it.

We got to see a few good friends. Different friends than I'd seen last time I was back, which is probably a good thing, taking turns and all that, but it really wasn't planned that way. It was a function of who was around and free, and where, and when, and just some happy accidents of timing. Still, very good, even though there were a few who were definitely missed. On sunday, we went to a meetup of my colleagues/clients and their extended local circle. About 25 people showed up, many there to meet me. That was kind of a neat feeling. Like when people show up to your birthday party and you know they're there to hang out with each other and eat cake, but you also know they're all there for you. I haven't felt that in a very long time, and I thought it would make me uncomfortable -- I usually try to deflect attention I can't control, rather than attract it -- but it was fun. It was a good time. It was extremely flattering.

Most of the trip belonged to family, though. I was marveling to myself that we hadn't really had a spare moment for anything -- not sightseeing, or driving around without a distinct purpose, or even hanging out around the house and doing leisurely things -- the entire trip. But the lack of downtime was probably good for me. I felt less stressed and anxious than I've been in a long time. Maybe that was due to the schedule, or maybe it was just good to be around friends and family for a while.

on control

Dec. 30th, 2006 09:10 am
lapis_lazuli022: (blackkats)
a.k.a., the haunted house analogy


When I was about thirteen years old, my father took me to the county fair, and I went through the most terrifying haunted house I have ever experienced.

Nothing jumped out at me, nothing sprayed gore or cackled or threatened to bite my neck. It was a single long hallway, just too wide to be able to put my arms out and feel the walls. It was pitch black. I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. All I could see were the geometric patterns my eyes made to fill in the darkness. I'd entered during a quiet lull, so I was the only one in it, and there were no moments when a door would open to provide me with any hints of light. And all I had to do was walk the length of the room.

I didn't see the challenge at first, so I started across... and stepped into something rubbery and squishy... and completely freaked out.

In this completely dark room, the only point of reference I had was the floor... and the floor, every time I would get used to its new state as I walked forward, kept changing. It was squishy. Then it was sticky. Then it was a series of wooden rollers (handrails provided for that one). There was a stretch that vibrated. I was shaking as I moved forward, testing each step, not sure what I would encounter next. I could see the faintly lit outline of the door at the end now, but it seemed impossibly far away.

And then my toe bumped something solid. It was a step. There was a small flight of about five stairs. Stairs weren't a big deal after all those other things, so I thought that would be a simple one, but it wasn't. The stairs were equipped with thick, flexible rubber projectiles that poked out from the walls to brush my ankles from both sides.

I think I jumped straight up in panic. My head was racing with thoughts of insects, spiders, slimy things... My heart was pounding, and I actually backed up a few steps and crouched down, trying desperately to see what those things were before I let them touch me again. I couldn't see a thing, but I refused to move forward until I knew what it was that was invading my personal space. I had to know what was touching me. Finally, after what felt like about five or ten minutes, someone else entered the room to start their own adventure, and it gave me enough light to see the projectiles for what they were. Then I could finally cross them, and leave.

The experience impressed me and fascinated me. It had a profound effect on me. I was in awe of how deeply something so simple had been able to make me so afraid. It taught me a lot about the nature of control, and the nature of fear, and I've drawn on this heavily in my writing and in my study of psychology. I reference it to people most often when talking about one of two things: GMing in roleplay, and BDSM.

I learned that the things unseen can sometimes be far more frightening than the things that are seen. The imagination, left to its own devices, can fill in much more terrifying details (and, details personalized to the very own fears of the person doing the experiencing, at that).

And I learned to what degree I take the floor beneath my feet for granted. We expect that when all else fails, when all else is uncertain, we'll still have what's beneath our feet as a frame of reference. As something sure, that we can count on. Cast someone's most basic expectations into uncertainty, whether it's the solidity of the literal floor or a metaphorical one, and you strip away all their control. They will be left with nothing. Nothing will be sure.

onward

Aug. 25th, 2006 02:00 pm
lapis_lazuli022: (meadow)
It took me a few days to snap back from the trauma of dealing with a dead pet. I have a lot to say about it, about how I discovered her and what I did for her and how that trauma manifested and how I coped with it. I suspect it's a bit much for the squeamish, though, and since after a week of thinking about it constantly I still haven't been able to figure out what level of internal editing and censorship is called for in writing about it, I've opted not to say anything at all.

I've always been highly attuned to milestones and anniversaries, especially recent ones. I'll come back from a trip, or something momentous will have happened, and as I process it and integrate it, I'll be constantly thinking about where I was at this time yesterday, or this time last week.

I'm glad I'm not where I was at this time last week. I was fidgeting in my seat, thinking more and more about it all, the more I tried not to. I was anxious and upset over what I might find when I got home, and even up to the moment when I turned my key in the lock, I wasn't sure which outcome I was hoping for -- to find her still holding on, or already having let go.

I honestly don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing at this time tomorrow. At this time next week, though, I will be in Atlanta, frolicking and making trouble with [livejournal.com profile] gen.

I like the forward view better than the backward one.

Looking forward to moving forward. That's me.
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
I think I've figured out why I don't like Sudoku: there's no reward. I like puzzles that lead you to uncover some hidden secret message, or give points, or have some other kind of bonus for completion. With Sudoku, you fill in all the little boxes and that's the end of it. Sense of pride at filling the last little box just isn't enough incentive for me. I have nothing against timewasting, I guess I just prefer it to be goal-driven timewasting.

I continue to love my iPod. I've never had an mp3 player that I've used as regularly for as long, but there's something about having my entire music collection along with me, so that I can listen to anything I'm in the mood for (instead of having to choose a playlist of what I /might/ feel like hearing on a particular day) is really nice. I've only used about a tenth of the thing's capacity, as well, so there's plenty of room for expansion. I'd like to get a second power cord so that I can charge it at work, and I need a new case for it to keep it from getting scratched up in my bag.

It still seems like a luxury, and it's a luxury I was hesitant to shell out for at the time, but when I'm commuting about two hours a day (sometimes three or more, accidents and traffic depending), I get where I'm going with a lot more of my sanity intact when I don't have to listen to the inanities of the people around me. Public transportation would be fine, if it wasn't for the people.
lapis_lazuli022: (boots)
Make a to-do list of things you've already done.

Seeing more items crossed off than not, even if they're things like "have lunch" or "re-tie shoelaces" or "stand and stretch", will help you feel like you've accomplished something.
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
...and absolutely no inclination to write.

One of the highlights of the weekend was an exhibit of Robert Turner's landscape photography. The small scale in the online gallery doesn't do his work justice.

Balboa park was beautiful. Many museums were seen, and many photos were taken. Basically, aside from 'doing' Balboa Park, we mostly drove around and explored. The tiny beach towns north of La Jolla were a favorite area to return to.

There's something soothing about being at the coast, even when the water is on the wrong side. ;)

We came home to learn that our close friend F. had passed away yesterday morning. He was 35. It wasn't unexpected - he's been battling cancer, and then treatment complications, for nearly a year, and had taken a recent turn for the worse - but, still... My feelings on the matter are complicated and mixed, and not ready to be written.

Pruned a few people off my friends list today, all cases where there appeared to be mutual lack of interest in each other's journals, or at least mutual lack of anything useful to say to each other, or other similar reasons. If you have something to say about it, you know where to email me.

healing

Sep. 25th, 2002 10:46 am
lapis_lazuli022: (standing)
An appropriate 1,000th entry, I think: accepting the past and moving forward, acknowledging strength, growth and change.

I had my first official Project Liberty appointment this morning. Still weird to see 'FEMA' listed as my insurance. It always makes me think of the X-Files movie.

Anyway...

It went very well. I'm not sure how much I want to talk about it, but I do want to say that this is absolutely the right thing for me to be doing for myself right now.

We talked some about my past and my early disillusionment with the concepts of personal safety and protective authority figures, and about how that probably influenced how I have dealt with all this and why it's been so hard for me to come to a point where I can believe I'm safe enough to process my experiences instead of just retelling them, and put it behind me. And to really accept that I'm the only person this frustrated with me for not being "over it" yet.

She is intuitive without being patronizing. She accepts that I have insight into my own nature and doesn't fight me on the things I've learned about myself, yet makes connections where I might not have noticed them.

I normally would have bristled at the questions about my history, feeling they're not relevant: 'I'm here to talk about that day and what's happened since. The rest isn't important!' But because her perspective was more one of wanting to know what's happened in my life so that she knows what experiences and triggers and coping mechanisms I brought with me to that day, not just a "so, tell me about your mother" attitude, I found it easier to open up to her and to trust her motivation in asking the questions to be genuine.

I'm encouraged. I think this will be productive. I think it's what I need.
lapis_lazuli022: (standing)
Any moment, big or small,
Is a moment, after all.
Seize the moment, skies may fall
Any moment.
(-Into The Woods)

I got into the city around 7:00. I bought myself an expensive caramel and coffee drink and stood in Times Square in the rain, just taking it all in. Pondering what it means to be alive. Also pondering what it means to still be alive, and how that's a subtly different thing.
Read more... )
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
I usually manage to injure myself when I ski. I always get going really well, and then become aware of how fast I'm moving and get frightened by it, and then I panic and deliberately fall to stop myself from losing control.

This is probably applicable elsewhere in my life, as well.

Just a random thought.

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lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
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