lapis_lazuli022: (standing)

I'm having a hard time getting motivated to start working today. The report that snuck onto my desk in the last working hour of Friday is still here, still half-complete, begging for me to pick it up and start entering dividend rates and looking up unit costs.

I'm not sure why, but I had been entertaining this complex delusion in which someone else deemed this report a high priority and took it upon themselves to finish it yesterday, in my absence. Oh, well... It was a nice fantasy.

Having yesterday off was nice. I have another planned vacation day on Friday, and I'm tempted to call in apathetic on Thursday as well. We'll see.

Yesterday, [livejournal.com profile] cowboy_r and I woke up far earlier than we needed to. We spent a leisurely morning around the house, and left around 11:30 to meet [livejournal.com profile] diamond_j in Manhattan for lunch. We had mexican food in a pretty good restaurant that R recalled enjoying when he lived here. (Cantina, on 12th Street near University Place). It was decorated in typical Mexican restaurant style, with the addition of a generous sprinkling of shamrocks.

After saying our farewells to J, who was off to an appointment, we wandered down to the WTC site. I'd been more-or-less stalling on going down there, but since R had worked in one of those Buildings That Aren't There Anymore, I had mentioned that if he should decide he wanted to see the place for himself, I would like to take the opportunity and come along.

He sums it up well.

As I mentioned to him later, it hadn't affected me the way I expected it to - the way it affected him - because that part of the city isn't a place I visited much. It's not something I really had much context for. I'd never gotten out of that subway exit when the buildings were there, so I couldn't appreciate what it looked like with them missing. The skyline as seen across the Hudson River, or the view from my office, affect me much more.

I guess the almost-abstraction of the buildings from a more distant perspective was a part of my daily life in the way that the buildings themselves, in a stand-in-front-of-them, go-to-work-in-them way, were not. In my lifetime, I think I only actually passed them on foot, or entered them, a total of (hold on, I'm counting...) 5 or 6 times.

Still, I was glad to be there with R, to share in a part of his experience of them; I was glad to be there for R, to offer an ear to listen and a hand to hold while he processed what he needed to process.

Anyway, from there, we wandered and did a bit of window shopping, and then headed home.

We only spent a total of 4 hours in the city, but it took a lot out of us. By about 8 or 9 pm, we were both ready to crash, and we did head off to sleep not much later than that.

So, why am I so tired today?

session

Oct. 23rd, 2002 09:52 am
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)
I'm exhausted after this morning, but I don't feel dragged over the coals and picked to shreds like I did last week. I feel the way you feel when you've worked out really hard at the gym, and you're so worn through that you can barely breathe, but it's such a clean, positive exhaustion that the exhaustion itself is invigorating. It feels like accomplishment. Like renewal. Like promise. Like... progress.

slow day

Oct. 9th, 2002 10:50 am
lapis_lazuli022: (flower)
All quiet on the eastern coast today.

I had another fantastic PL session this morning. She continues to impress me more and more. I can't express how glad I am that I'm doing this.

Last night was chilly again, so I brought the down quilt out of the closet. I adore those poofy, lightweight feather duvets, but that's not what this is. This thing is older than I am, weighs a ton, and feels like that lead apron the dentist puts over you before you get your teeth x-rayed. It's warm and comforting and you can burrow down in it and never be seen again. It also guarantees that the cat will come and snuggle with you all night.

So, yeah. I slept well for a change.

This morning I was out to the bus stop at 6:30 and was treated to a gorgeous pink and purple sunrise behind the Empire State Building. I like it best a few minutes later, just as the sun peeks over the horizon and turns all the skyscrapers a glowing silvery pink.

I'm a little lonely and I wish there'd been someone here to share these things with, but in general I'm pretty mellow and content today. I'm good.

healing

Sep. 25th, 2002 10:46 am
lapis_lazuli022: (standing)
An appropriate 1,000th entry, I think: accepting the past and moving forward, acknowledging strength, growth and change.

I had my first official Project Liberty appointment this morning. Still weird to see 'FEMA' listed as my insurance. It always makes me think of the X-Files movie.

Anyway...

It went very well. I'm not sure how much I want to talk about it, but I do want to say that this is absolutely the right thing for me to be doing for myself right now.

We talked some about my past and my early disillusionment with the concepts of personal safety and protective authority figures, and about how that probably influenced how I have dealt with all this and why it's been so hard for me to come to a point where I can believe I'm safe enough to process my experiences instead of just retelling them, and put it behind me. And to really accept that I'm the only person this frustrated with me for not being "over it" yet.

She is intuitive without being patronizing. She accepts that I have insight into my own nature and doesn't fight me on the things I've learned about myself, yet makes connections where I might not have noticed them.

I normally would have bristled at the questions about my history, feeling they're not relevant: 'I'm here to talk about that day and what's happened since. The rest isn't important!' But because her perspective was more one of wanting to know what's happened in my life so that she knows what experiences and triggers and coping mechanisms I brought with me to that day, not just a "so, tell me about your mother" attitude, I found it easier to open up to her and to trust her motivation in asking the questions to be genuine.

I'm encouraged. I think this will be productive. I think it's what I need.
lapis_lazuli022: (Default)

>Dear Ms. [Lazuli],
>
>Thank you so much for reaching out to Project Liberty. It is wonderful
>how you've recognized that you may benefit from some counseling at this
>point in time. Project Liberty offers counseling to anyone in the New
>York area (who lives or works in NY) who has been affected by the World
>Trade Center disaster. You are certainly eligilble for these services.
>
>In order to connect with a counselor, you should call 1-800-LIFENET.
>One of the LIFENET counselors will connect you with an agency in a
>location that is convenient for you.
>
>Many people have found Project Liberty services to be helpful, and it
>sounds like you will too. Please let me know if there is anything else
>that we can do for you.

Encouraged by that really nice message, I phoned LIFENET last night to see what services I was eligible for. Apparently, I miss the LifeNet cut-off by two blocks: they only provide counseling for people who live or work south of Canal Street. [i know. don't get me started.]

However, I do qualify for Project Liberty (I guess I hadn't realised they were different things), and I was given referrals to three different treatment centers in my general area. I picked the one at St. Vincent's and just gave them a call. They were very nice on the phone, and my intake interview is set for 9:30am on September 12th.
lapis_lazuli022: (rain)
...is admitting you need help.

I did it. I contacted Project Liberty this morning.

It's rainy today. The kind of rain that comes down hard, in large drops. Rain always makes me subdued and introspective. It makes me want to stay curled up in bed with my cat, and maybe a book. I'm using my rain icon today. I usually reserve it for sadness, but this morning I was looking at the raindrops on the bus stop windows and thinking about how much I just like that icon.

On the way into work, I found myself in the middle of some very strong flashback/abreaction type things. It was raining like this on Sept 14, the first day back at work, after.

I went upstairs for juice and a bagel, and found myself craving a food I hate.

A week or two ago, I lost time. First one day, and then a few days later, about half a day. I haven't lost time again since.

The date is creeping up on me. Because I don't call it '9-11', and because there's not a day that goes by when it's not in my consciousness anyway, I'm not necessarily as fixated as most people are on the fact that it was the eleventh, and I'm not usually consciously aware of the date and exactly how much time remains between now and then. But my body knows it's coming, and it's reacting in ways that don't make sense until I stop and look at my mental calendar and realise how close it really is.

If you peek into my 'LJ Memories', I have a heading for 'most of my wtc posts' with one post in it, called (can you guess?) most of my wtc posts. (My plain 'wtc' heading includes other people's posts too.) The most significant posts were not restricted to that week - they are spread out over the past year. So if you want to see where I was that day, and where I've been with it since, that's the place to go. I re-read them myself every so often, partly to jog my memory on the months I still don't remember. I have a feeling I'll be reading them again soon.

ohgod

Jun. 14th, 2002 04:06 am
lapis_lazuli022: (rain)
wtc nightmare

you don't have to read this )

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